So, when the expert technician explained that, among other things, I should not use both the latch installation method and the seat belt installation method at the same time, I was grateful for the information, slightly embarrassed, and not all that surprised I’d done some things wrong.

Last week, a little over 3 years later, our second daughter was born. This time, I thought, I was a seasoned pro. I’d moved Kid #1’s car seats around in multiple vehicles, read the manual, read up on the safest place to put the car seat in the car (the middle, I’d read), and I’d had years of experience. So, when we got to the hospital I brought Kid #2’s car seat instruction manual in, read through it, and while my wife and new daughter were sleeping I went down to install a second car seat in our car. Then I scheduled an appointment to have an expert technician check it out because 1) it was super easy – we were already at the hospital, these appointments were on site and free, 2) this was our kids’ safety we were talking about.

But I was feeling damn confident when the installer met me at our room. As she followed me down to our car I imagined her commenting what a damn fine job I’d done, and how many people confidently install car seats incorrectly but I certainly wasn’t one of those people.

When we got there and she checked the two seats, and then told me the following:

• Anchor installations should not be used in the middle seat. Since we’d read the middle was the safest place for a car seat and figured anchors were more foolproof than belt installation, Kid #1’s car seat was installed with the anchor/latch method in the middle seat. Turns out most cars don’t have anchors for the middle seat, so you end up (unknowingly in my case) attaching the car seat to the right passenger’s seat’s left anchor and the left passenger’s seat’s right anchor. My belief that the middle seat was safest had caused an improper installation. As the technician said, the safest installation of a car seat is a proper installation.
• Anchor installation should not be used after the combined weight of the car seat and the child exceeds 65 pounds. We were damn close if not over this already with Kid #1 and Car Seat #1, so I shouldn’t have been using anchors at this point anyway.
• Proving how strong you are by ratcheting down latch systems or belt installations so tight the car seat base can’t move at all is bad. Installing the base for our infant seat, I’d figured the tighter the better and cranked that sucker down while kneeling on it. Nope, said the tech – doing this 1) put unnecessary stress on the plastic base and 2) pulled the back part of the base so far down into the seat it prevented me from being able to properly level the base.
• When installing 2 car seats next to each other, you must ensure there’s adequate room for both seats. We figured our older child was less protected based on seat design and should remain in the middle and our newborn should go behind the driver. But, when the tech had me put the infant seat into its base the two car seats hit each other. I pushed the infant seat down and heard the click you’re supposed to hear, but when the tech and I checked it we saw the seat had only clicked into the base on one side – being butted against the other car seat prevented the natural, easy connection of seat to base.

Well, shit. So much for my hero-car-seat-installer-dad status. Once again I left the appointment feeling a mix of gratitude and embarrassment, but this time there was genuine surprise – I thought for sure I’d gotten it right. There’s an obvious lesson here I’d urge everyone to take to heart: car seats are complex systems. Accidents are rare but there is no excuse for not doing everything you can to prepare in case the worst happens. And that everything includes getting your seat installation checked by a pro. Studies by the NHTSA have suggested that upwards of 50% of all car seats may be installed incorrectly. Please make damn sure yours isn’t one of them – schedule a check at the hospital when your baby is born, call your local fire department, or call a nearby hospital for a list of local resources.

Take the playground experience as an example where kids are likely to put these traits we’ve attempted to instill into them to practice.  Let’s not fool ourselves – it might as well be the wild west out there, where the rules are unwritten and alliances can be forged or destroyed in a heartbeat (ok, playground rules exist but most of the time serve as loosely-followed guidelines).  Stop and think about how many nooks and crannies a playground contains.  I am positive that situations occur on the playground that have yet to be observed and recorded….

Anyway, in this type of environment, it is vital that our children possess the confidence and self-worth to do the right thing and also not be a jerk.

To have empathy and compassion for others, to stand up for justice and against tyranny (apologies for the over-the-top language: I just finished watching Captain America: Civil War).

We need our children to understand that non-obvious, go-against-the-herd choices are available to them when dealing with playground problems.  We want them to be Benny from “The Sandlot” – to stand up to bullies, befriend the little guy (and eventually make it to the Big Leagues).  We want them to be Darth Vader on the Death Star in Return of the Jedi – you know, that scene when he makes the choice to not watch his son be murdered.  But when is the most productive time to express and convey the importance of these traits to our kids?  At the dinner table? On the way to school?  Sure, but how do we know it sinks in?  Are we positive that they’ve understood our message at a deep enough level that they can recall these feelings when applicable?  It seems the best way to make certain these values are ingrained and utilized by our children are to reinforce them in the moment.

Teachable Moments are Rare

While opportunities to observe and react to our children interacting with other children are crucial, they’re also quite rare. Even the involved father spends the vast majority of his time away from his kids.  Here’s the breakdown:

There are 168 hours in the week.  As an example, my 4 year old spends a quarter of his time each week at daycare.  This means that for a fourth of the week, I have little to no idea how he is interacting with kids.  Don’t get me wrong, I try to be diligent in getting as much information from his teachers during drop-off as I can, although most of the time they are dealing with at least one sobbing child while simultaneously attempting to keep the other kids corralled in a centralized location.

Further, we all know full well that interrogating a four year old to ascertain the details of whom he plays with, avoids, eats with, games he plays on the playground, etc. can often have a negative ROI. Obviously, teachers don’t parent our kids. At this age, teachers’ main responsibility is making sure Legos aren’t ingested and Royal Rumbles don’t breakout in the bathroom. This is not a knock on our kids’ teachers, quite the opposite. Without these exceedingly patient and caring individuals, our kids would literally turn into monsters. But the lack of the ability for us to parent our kids during crucial interactions with peers makes our job as parents that much more important.

As the chart above suggests, we have maybe 1.5 hours during the week when we are in the presence of our children interacting with other children outside our family. Even within that 1.5 hour window, you may only get one or two teachable moments on a playground or at a birthday party where you witness your child make a decision in the moment – decide: do I laugh at another child just because everyone else is doing it? Do I mindlessly follow along and do what another kid tells me to?

At the end of the day, there exists an incredibly small window in which we as dads can imbue our kids with the characteristics we deem as critical for becoming wonderful human beings.  Don’t miss your window. Treasure these opportunities to help build a compassionate playground.